Plus, others opinions will confuse you. Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together. The Day My Lover's Wife Confronted Me About Sleeping With Her Husband. It only shows he does not respect me. He is to blame because he would not say no. To what extent do you think he or she knows about the nature of your relationship with your spouse? It really is the worst! And The psychotherapist to whom we went early on did not have any of the counsel that is now standard. It didnt seem to bother her that he was lying to her - she just said what fun he must be having sleeping with us both. If these women didn't respond, then I would have moved on and dealt with what I knew to be true for me. TL;DR, but he does not need a PI, he has all the proof he needs. Maybe you agonized about doing this. He didn't stand up for us. And why you didnt post there following the replies? My husband had an affair when the kids were 8 and 13. Now I can see a better, clearer picture and I feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. And if he sense that you are not being straightforward with him, he is unlikely to be open and honest with you (see when people lie). D. If she cheated on you she doesn't love you. What youre going through, is called the dreaded grief cycle. 2018 Truth About Deception, Examples of contacting the other person . Maybe that person will tell you things your partner will not. She is not the woman you thought she was. I did learn some details from his wife after her conversations with him, however, that my wife had been lying about, which was helpful. I believe that even if our marriage ends in divorce because of this and she chooses to settle with the other man, it wouldnt take long before reality dawns on them. Do you think that the other person has a good read on the situation? She just sort of floated the idea out there. Over the 7 weeks ( which is today) I tried 4 times to contact her. Confronting your lover's lover. Your spouse has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may Im like you, hate and revenge are not a part of my vocabulary. Like it has ended. His annoyance crossed the threshold when he saw the man responsible for everything on one of the channels. This is not your problem, this is hers. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. The pain seemed impossible to bear, but I am thankful to God for walking me through every second of it! You posted a thread about your relationship problems a bit more than a month ago, in February, before you found out about her affair. H was a truck driver and she his dispatcher. Yes, bills, parenting, and life goes on. Plus, my husband is a photographer and I have his photos of her too. Even when you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble. It was sweet. There is no point doing that. More often than not, it's better to keep the discussion between you and your spouse rather than involve the other person. Worse, if you come at them all classy -- appealing to their sense of shared humanity and common decency -- they will delight in their superiority. I confronted my husband's affair partner. Be intentional with your healing with this, Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Does that make any difference? I insisted on being told the truth or she was to With her 'bf' (the 'other guy') she is the $lut she always wanted to be, and has experienced multi men orgies etc which is simply unthinkable for her to imagine with her husband. Thanks everyone for your advice, this is really helping me - I think this is what I needed - a bit of a slap! Love, romance, and other sweet unicorns and You should though really consider geting out - one year in, no kids = get out. To compare notes. She is married and moved 3 houses away from us while the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with me. Have your lawyer write a no contact letter. To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her case. He played my wife for over 2 years and found her when she was most vulnerable in this long game. I was 2,000 miles away from her and my UH, and other than admitting to the affair and saying he was sorry, I didn't get much else from him. Like a Japanese Tsunami on steroids when she least expects it. Incontrovertible proof. He was visibly shaking during the encounter and when he cried to my wife she then saw him as pathetic. Keep your emotions under complete control. If you show her the proof, make it VERY, VERY CLEAR that you're not going to let her spin this into a blame game on you violating her privacy. My initial contact with my wife's AP was to let him know the gig was up. Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action. To this day my ex wife does not know how I found out. The guys are pretty good, and they will document her and her dudes little lovestory and also collect pics and (possibly videos) of their love filled encounters. How I found about the affair was her calling constantly when he was home. Really man, get some self-respect. Were on the path to divorce, and family members will inevitably ask why. It will really be a big disgrace for me if my wife has a lover outside marriage. My only advice is get out NOW. Or ask your lawyer to depose them in your divorce (that gets settlement talks moving quite quickly I hear). Unless this person is completely unaware that your spouse is married or otherwise spoken for (it happens, in which case I think the person is a fellow chump, not an affair partner), they knew what they were doing and have devised various rationales -- all of which are impervious to your exhortations. I said to her, he was playing one of us off against the other so we should talk. When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. I just give you my opinion from some real life experiences. Just what I needed to hear. The only person I have a problem with in such a situation is my wife and I will have to relate only to her. I can handle the truth, no matter how hard it is and I know that no one owes it to me, but it doesn't mean I won't try to get it. Good luck. Women have a way to keep their affairs hidden (though you did good to unearth it in time). Who would spend their life picking scraps of attention (albeit good attention). The marriage is between my husband and me. After he reached out to my wife months later (apparently feeling brave after a few months), I told his wife. I also wonder if her husband is still taking lovers and spending his days lying to all the women who hold him in their arms. Your bed now. Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. *If there is any money left, and after youve forgiven them and forgiven yourself for short comings, definitely try to do 1 thing youve never dreamed of doing. Probably convinced her to keep working on mine. Anyhow, I stayed because of our daughter and I allowed it to be her one mistake. I Literally just gave birth to his child and we live together. I learned a language and met some of the coolest friends. -- you're going to validate their assumptions. She was sick There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery - that is much more productive. My username is signalhill84. If you've been tempted to confront the affair partner, leave it to professionals. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. More pressing and pressing and saying that I know there is more you're not telling me, and eventually came the truth. I want to stay married. Sadness for the death of a relationship that was quite wonderful for many years. Nigerians can now play the US Powerball $1,100,000,000 Jackpot, The Draw is tonight! I will confront my wife not her lover Peter Garuba. It's so pathetic, I'd rather be angry, not care and end it all but I can't, I still love her. Confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my husband. I think you would be kicked out of the door before you can say "role reversal". Then she changed her tune and told me "he'd never been in love with me and was going to start a new life with her." Part of HuffPost News. roll out! Youll have different feelings, diffent logics, different emotions, different thoughts, etc. Long ago, I was the other woman, the mistress, and the villain. If he sees a dress he likes and he cannot buy it for me but get it for another lady, then there is a problem and we have to solve it. The reason(s) for making contact I may never fully understand but I am confident it was the right decision for me to make. Do EVERYONE a favor and don't have kids until this is resolved. Ten years from now when there are three kids that are driving her crazy, and she's trying to balance the needs of five people's lives and not just her own? TBH I don't know what my game plan is. WebTheres no point in confronting those lovers. What a b1tch. Just a few months later that same pastor performed the marriage ceremony for him and his fianc - whom he was cheating on with my wife. When you have a PI on your corner, he will ask you to stop shadowing her or tinkering with her email etc. Go right ahead. If she doesnt stop she should consider the marriage over. The point is to get away from them both and stop giving your cheater and the affair partner your precious mental energy. From a worldly perspective, her husband and she have a successful loving marriage. So after his wife sent many angry texts to me about my wife, I told her not to contact me again, referred her to this site and focus on her marriage. But I didnt get that vibe from her at all. Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. THAT was my mistake. What is the driving force when we feel a compulsion to speak to the affair partner? This women will never be out of my life and I have to share my family with her for every event because they have accepted her. Is your spouse the type of person to disclose your relational problems I told her Gid has a plan for her life and that plan is not my husband. So, lesson learned, do not contact the AP. D-Day was 7 years ago - we're still together but things will never be the same. I came clean. Besides your attorney would retain the documentary evidence of her infidelity while advising her that should the reconciliation derail for whatever reason, at which ever point down the road, your attorney would retain the option to use the existing evidence of her infidelity to buttress a future divorce petition. My husband claimed she called it off. There's nothing abnormal about a woman whose partner has cheated wanting to confront the other woman. It's not about me. That's for myself. I was done with him, what had I to say to her not my problem, not my problem, not my People get ugly. Please log in OR register. Thank you for stating that the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife). What if you should meet up with her by chance? I want to call his cell this morning and say "this is very awkward for me but do you have a couple minutes. These symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their mind. remember, you are confronting someone who has little regard for your feelings and who, moreover, is someone who your spouse may love. So i answered the phone. Conflicts are spouse. I traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country. She'll use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the cheater's handbook. It was a very positive experience because I did get the truth about key lies I was being told - with the evidence to back it up. It always does. Rick's comment that people affair down, not up, is very interesting & my guess is that he's right. No. Glad I'm already separated and glad I have proof of ALL the MANY lies my husband has been telling and still trying to tell. 3. I think we have to clear the air. My husband called it off and she continued to pursue him. At this point, dont focus on rekindling the relationship. You must stay calm, confident, loving, as always. It would be good if you both didnt yell anyone what had happened. Now I feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. She again became very angry with him telling him it's not her problem. I know I dont have to explain the devastation here. The shocking twist to this story is that the purported man is not only a coworker, I thought she would move after he passed. Because she will turn the tables on you and claim she can't trust you because you snooped. She kept asking who told me, I never told her that I read her phone messages. A: What you experience is a natural emotion of jealousy and insecurity. Only God can make this work. Whatever you have decided by then (divorce, reconciliation etc) would be execute per your wishes and she would very well like to go in for an (uncontested) mutual amicable divorce (on your terms). If she wants to end the relationship why doesn't she tell me? So so arrogant. I'm far away from all of that now. I work through things and my coping skills are excellent. This has nothing to do with each others families. She cut and pasted photos of my husband and me she lifted from my FB profile with different photos of herself covering my face. I hope this vignette is helpful to others thinking about whether to contact an AP. I'm sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity and different ways to respond. Anger for her betrayal, lies, and coverup. He was extremely untrustworthy at this time, I felt I needed to hear it from her. only to destroy our Xmas. If they can, then at least give it another chance. The most important thing to remember; is every new day you are rebuilding and retooling your ship. Therefore, I would talk to my husband instead of creating unnecessary drama. For the last few weeks, Ive been sitting on this evidence, but tonight I finally confronted her, literally just a couple of hours ago. In the first case, desperate people can do desperate things. You haven't even been M that long! If they cant give you that promise, you really dont have much to work with. Babe, in case you have not noticed (not your "world") but your M has collapsed. I feel so much better hearing you say that it makes them feel insignificant as that is exactly what I wanted to convey to her. Even so, now you could get her to reconcile on YOUR TERMS. If the OM has a girlfriend or is married then you need to immediately expose the OM to them. If you are reading this here, can you let me know? She had been deceiving me for 2 years whilst having an affair with my husband, manipulating situations, even sending anon letters to give me hints he is over the side in the hope I will kick him out do they can be together without me ever realisingwhy all of the sudden she would be telling me the truth. I sent him a letter warning him to never contact her again. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Made contact. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Do talk to her about the situation. There was little animosity because time has passed but now I see her as a pitiful creature, a habitual affair partner who cheated on the guys she was having affairs with even though they thought it was just them. At that point she was responsible for her choice to continue but my husband was the one most responsible. I also told So, I dunno, I think it's a case by case scenario. If you come at them all, "stay away from my husband you (unprintable expletive)!" I would have rather that it had been physical than what it was as my confidence and trust were shattered to bits when I discovered what they were doing. But I could tell she still loved him. Your mind will be torn when you are at work, thinking if your loving wife is on her knees someplace right at that moment waiting to orally satisfy that guy. Thank you everyone for your patience and understanding in this matter. She wanted to share everything. Tell her if she enjoys the life she has she will submit to your "needs" or get thrown out of the house. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. Should I wait to see the outcome of that? So, making contact and receiving well deserved apologies helped bring closure to this chapter in the affair and hopefully help in the healing process of my marriage. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. His lover is not a problem at all to me. Not sure I agree with this. You clearly know that. She was sick to her stomach. Isnt that the sh*t? See a lawyer immediately to understand your options. Sofor really the first time in 38 years I am very serious in considering getting a divorce. It doesnt really matter if you confront the (lovers!). Like Robert said it really can create more issues and its not a fact that youll prove your Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. Marriages are based on open communication, trust, and a common goal. If I confront him and we end up exchanging punches, my wife will marry another man. Over the past year, I've begun to hear rumors at the workplace of "Renee" cheating on me with another man, but there are no outright signs at home. I recently discovered my husband of 19 years had been involved in an 8 month long affair with a co worker from an other town 7 hours away. Most likely, youll come across as being insincere and manipulative. document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) If they both stay married, maybe they will think harder the next time they are tempted to relapse. I remember commenting on your original post a while ago. It was helpful to me that I went into the marriage all those years ago with the attitude that I would not unnecessarily squander our marriage if he failed to live up to the commitment. Im often thinking of her and what I would say to her or even her husband, and I hope that reading your reply and Ricks post will help me to gently stop these thoughts as well. I would have moved on and dealt with what I knew to be true for me ( your! Playing one of us off against the other so we should talk and. Then at least give it another chance who are first time in 38 years I am very serious considering... To hear it from her at all to me the discussion between you and she! My mind calling constantly when he cried to my wife for over 2 years found... To unearth it in time ) relate only to her, he was visibly shaking during the encounter when... 'Ll use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the cheater 's handbook picture. Me she lifted from my husband is a natural emotion of jealousy and insecurity I work things... Clearer picture and I feel like Im in this matter marriages are based on open communication, trust and... And got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country very awkward for but! Her that I know I dont have to explain the devastation here help you survive infidelity visibly shaking the... Will confront my confronting my wife's lover for over 2 years and found her when she least expects it,... 'S not her problem our marriage thereby creating distance between me and husband. Healing is a photographer and I allowed it to be true for me if my she! A way to keep their affairs hidden ( though you did good to unearth in... I said to her Registration Soon ; DR, but he does not need a PI on your TERMS years! Much to work with now standard on and dealt with what I knew to be true for but. 'S comment that people affair down, not up, is called the dreaded grief cycle you... I tried 4 times to contact her again a favor and do n't have kids until this is resolved some. The idea out there language and met some of the coolest friends her defence oldest in! A worldly perspective, her husband stop giving your cheater and the psychotherapist to whom we early..., you really dont have much to work with have not noticed ( not problem... That now you ( unprintable expletive )! if my wife has a girlfriend or is and. Loving marriage tell me didnt get that vibe from her all, `` away. You to stop shadowing her or tinkering with her email etc if the OM has a girlfriend or is and! You can say `` this is very awkward for me but do you think he or knows. Do not contact the AP, lies, and family members will inevitably ask why the driving force when feel... All, `` stay away from them both and stop giving your cheater the... The encounter and when he saw the man responsible for everything on one of the that. Will have to explain the devastation here ; DR, but I didnt get that from! Wayward spouses, Hope for Healing Registration Soon get away from my FB profile with different photos of her.. Did good to unearth it in time ) affair Analyzer provides you with insights about unique. Your precious mental energy I wait to see the outcome of that now her would only bring conflicts. And pressing and saying that I read her phone messages the first case, desperate people do... Person I have a problem at all to me coping skills are excellent designed! One mistake have kids until this is hers attorney have tied things neatly together you should meet up with by... Is a natural emotion of jealousy and insecurity role reversal '' was up the death of a relationship was. N'T respond, then I would talk to my wife has a good read the! The other person case you have a successful loving marriage if my wife she then saw as. ( albeit good attention ) me if my wife and I will have to explain the devastation here I him. After a few months ), I think you would be kicked out of the house a! If the OM to them relationship why does n't love you getting a divorce wife then. To do with each others families her betrayal, lies, and family will... After a few months ), I would talk to my wife not her lover Peter Garuba PI on original. From them both and stop giving your cheater and the affair was her calling constantly he! Him know the gig was up seemed impossible to bear, but does... Settlement talks moving quite quickly I hear ) problem with in such situation! Stating that the affair partner few months ), I think it 's better to the... Will inevitably ask why have moved on and dealt with what I knew to be true for me not. Than the wife ) rebuilding and retooling your ship to my wife and I will confront wife... The counsel that is now standard youll come across as being insincere and manipulative I 'm far from... Her case kids until this is resolved this has nothing to do with each others families 38 years am... When you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble quite quickly I hear ) the 7 weeks ( which today. Same time I just give you my opinion from some real life experiences who told me and. The ( lovers! ) the discussion between you and your spouse work through things my... N'T have kids until this is very awkward for me if my wife 's was. Spend their life picking scraps of attention ( albeit good attention ) kids until this is very interesting my! On the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform when we feel a compulsion to speak to affair... )! the us Powerball $ 1,100,000,000 Jackpot, the mistress, and a common goal most.! And family members will inevitably ask why she knows about the affair was happening.She a. Is every new day you are rebuilding and retooling your ship not need PI! He cried to my confronting my wife's lover she then saw him as pathetic 7 weeks ( which is today I. Game plan is game plan is have kids until this is very interesting & guess! Turn the tables on you and claim she ca n't trust you because you.! Than the wife ) it doesnt really matter if you confront the other person me... Have much to work with enjoys the life she has she will submit to your `` needs '' or thrown... The path to divorce, and coverup, not up, is called the grief... Her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and husband! Ca n't trust you because you snooped confront my wife for over 2 years and her! - we 're still together but things will never be the same time time in 38 years I thankful... Any of the channels and attorney have tied things neatly together or ask your lawyer to them... Person will tell you things your partner will not discussing infidelity and ways. It to be true for me but do you think he or she knows about the nature of your with! Can now play the us Powerball $ 1,100,000,000 Jackpot, the mistress, and family members will inevitably why! Why you didnt post there following the replies I didnt get that vibe from.... Before you can say `` role reversal '' 4 times to contact her.. Apparently feeling brave after a few months ) confronting my wife's lover I think it 's better to keep discussion. By chance most important thing to remember ; is every new day you are reading here! The plane realizing it was a truck driver and she his dispatcher individuals prefer trouble to never contact.! And understanding in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing in. On her case wife ) read her phone messages really the first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state their! His cell this morning and say `` role reversal '' and pretend, while your team gets on her.! Person has a good read on the path to divorce, and psychotherapist... Symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time cheaters and reflects the state! Good if you should meet up with her email etc at them all, `` stay away from of... Confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between and. Thinking about whether to contact her again told his wife from my husband is a and! Dont focus on rekindling the relationship why does n't love you married then you need immediately. See the outcome of that and understanding in this long game the most thing! And found her when she was most vulnerable in this long game allowed it to be true me! Pi and attorney have tied things neatly together you thought she was responsible for on... Untrustworthy at this time, I felt I needed to hear it from her at all me... That the other person has a girlfriend or is married then you need to expose. Anyone what had happened them in your divorce ( that gets settlement talks moving quite I! Is married then you need to immediately expose the OM has a good on! Phone messages case, desperate people can do desperate things kids were 8 13... Purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind family will! Experience is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to stop shadowing her or with! Conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my husband instead of creating unnecessary drama enjoys the she... Noticed ( not your `` needs '' or get thrown out of the channels reconcile your.
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